woohoo... early morning entry! hahaha... as u can guess... i am different from yesterday's issue... got to finally talk(thru msn la) to a handful of people late at night... i am happy for that... finally, got some FRIENDS who actually care for me... hahaha... pathetic sia reading yesterday's entry... like wanna delete it but what the heck like as if got people read it... i can say only 2 people so far hv read my blog almost regularly i tink... gotta make some changes in this blog... but hv no idea...
just written a song about someone, just gotten the 1st verse onli... actually it sounded kinda like Silverstein's "My Heroine"... but i dunno where it will lead to... maybe there'll be screaming, maybe not... maybe a short solo too... hahaha...
oh well, gotta go skool now, wait for the night entry for any mood changes in me today... hahaha...
posted by: hilmi21 @ 8:30 am
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today is the first time since my grandma died 2 years ago..
i actually cried for sometime...
dun worry my dear fren, it wasn't bcos of u...
i cried bcos i felt lonely after a long while..
the feeling just overwhelms me...
i was walking home alone... taking the train home alone...
my hp, for the first time since P.A.S.A., rarely had anyone msged or called me...
my friends whether be it in SC or class, hardly notice me doing anything...
so the thought of it makes me feel insecure...
I ain't got no one to talk to...
i ain't got no siblings...
my parents are too busy with the JB house and their jobs to even look or notice me...
my clique is hardly there...
my friends is there, physically but they don't notice any different in me...
my band seems not to be talking to me and is putting me aside...
i know my problems shldn't be of other ppl's prob and so on...
then i realise, my so called life is starting to end... there is no excitement now... just plain boring days ahead... the thought of me not wanting to wake up to a new day is fresh in my mind... i don't think i'll be smiling in a happy way for the rest of the week and maybe for next week...
sorry for the emo moment... can't help it...
(: FUCK IT! I CAN'T DO A FUCKING THING! FUCK MY LIFE! :)
posted by: hilmi21 @ 8:03 pm
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the truth hurts... but i guess that's why it's called the truth... but i respect what you decide... i apologise... everybody seems to be apologising today... i seem to be lagging in everything... the truth to sink in... the gig had passed... i am still stuck in the week going to P.A.S.A... oh god, help me...
i guess i'll be alone yet again for some time... i wished and i hoped... but i guess i'll be stuck in this status quo of mine... stuck in this cursed moment time and time again... oh shit... feel like crying now... FUCK!!!
i can't think of a time i changed my lifestyle for someone... i changed for the better... and when that truth came out... i feel hurt, glad and sad all in one... glad i did stopped doing and seeing those things i was addicted to... sad for that rule of yours that will make you hurt even more.. but its okay... u make the rule, u stand by it... i respect that...
listening to Escape The Fate - Friends and Alibis... it reminds of us... Edwin going to NS on October, AK & Sabby going for attachment... haiz...
Parts of the lyrics from Escape The Fate - Friends & Alibis:
And all the friends that I have gone through
And how much I deserve the pain
It's a shame
So hold your head
Hold it up high
Here's to the friends that were alibis
Keep this close by your side
When I come home we will have our night
We will have our night
You were the ones that stood by my side, whoa
And I was the one that fought all of your fights
posted by: hilmi21 @ 12:14 am
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woke up on sunday with aches and pain all over the body... walked from J.E to my house earlier on... and had no time to rest... had a big dinner with my cousins and family at Al Azhar Restaurant at Bukit Timah...
Monday blues!! hahaha... new week after Pay Attention Stay Awake... woke up quite early but still came in late for class... hahaha... took the bus instead of the usual train ride... met up with Syamil in the bus somewhere near Hua Yi Sec... talked all the way to skool...
had the pleasure to meet up with Ak and Sabby again to settle some P.A.S.A stuff... but Sabby was having her session with her friends... leaving me talking to Ak one on one... and Ak, i dunno if i shld tell her... i m realli unsure about it... all i need to know is what she tinks of me... i can't actually believe on the info i have now...
slept for a while in maths class... woke up when Sabby msged me about charger... hahaha...
had to go home alone yet again... no friends to go home with... :( hahaha... almost gotten bored to death...
hw to confess to her? a letter? direct confession? help me!
posted by: hilmi21 @ 8:42 pm
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i can't believe we actually pulled it... the gig was ok overall with hiccups here and there as usual... but doing this gig taught all of us a lesson & gave us new friendships... i sincerely can't believe we did it... 7-8 months of planning, proposing and executing the idea... forget about the turnout... forget about the problems we faced... we realli outdid ourselves... we pushed ourself to the limit even when we are lethargic, sleepy, and hungry... in my 4 years in student council, this gig is the biggest... if my old sc buddies were to ask what is the biggest accomplishment i've done in sc... i would gladly and proudly say the Pay Attention Stay Awake gig... at the end of the night, we felt a sigh of relieve... each of us could finally sleep/ rest peacefully on our beds...
thank you to all who helped us in the gig... taekwondo, fitness club, live band, student council, co-op... its been a pleasure to work alongside you guys... hope we can work together again...
posted by: hilmi21 @ 11:25 am
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Yesterday, almost everybody is down and out... the truth of something just sets the atmosphere all around us... The rainy weather's been settling like our mood of yesterday...
Been walking around alone lately... my mind's been running all over the place... That loneliness just sets my lethargic feeling to overdrive... My good friends one by one are going away... And as I walked around town alone yesterday in the rain, I just realised, I don't have any best friends that know me well... nobody knows me... I am either a colleague, a friend or a good friend... besides that nobody knows we well enough to know what I am feeling... I envy Sabby for having such friends who will go to the ends of the earth for her... I am willing to do such things but who will do such things for me? I do not know... I guess its because of my introvert nature that's been making me falling behind in the social department...
But as i listen to the "you're not alone" by Saosin when i was going home... i felt a sense of relieved knowing that there are other people who is also like me or even worst...
and also as of now... I am late for class... Hahaha...
Thanks AK for the ArtRock2 ticket design... You have a future in ticket designing... Hahaha...
Emo then Crazy... i guess that's just me...
posted by: hilmi21 @ 7:26 am
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i'm jumping to conclusions about the last entry... but if she see's me that way... then so be it... it seems there's a hidden agenda in her... which i won't elaborate... haiz...
GM today was kind of good... especially when it was my first time being the assistant CCA comm... had convo(s) in almost everywhere during GM... had a one on one session with anonymous one.. i feel so sorry for you... if there is anything, you can always confide in me... haiz...
and me or amir as an imam during break fast outing?! are you guys serious?! but why me? why not azrun or sabri? haiz... whatever la eh... i dun mind at all... haiz...
Sabby, AK, Edwin & me had to check out the hall for projector after class...after which we went out to Jurong Point to get our Tshirts designed... Edwin just can't stop talking/ joking... Me, Ak & Sabby boarded a nearly full bus while Edwin boarded the quite empty bus... he called me just to say he is enjoying his ride in the bus and to tell us that he'll be meeting us later... lucky fucker... but we got our seats near Jurong East area... and somehow a change in Sabby's attitude... She then opened up to me & AK about something... she's missing someone dear... i tink i know why he is like that but decided not to say it as i dunno the guy that well and i mite jump to conclusions again... after submitting our design, had dinner at McD, which i nvr eat.. again... had lots of laugh with them...and that main topic of _ _ _ _s came up once again... haiz...
worried for my project.. dunno if i m able to do it.. haiz
can't wait to finish this sat gig... lots of pressure to be released... lots of nervousness to get over with... lots of emotions and feelings to be let out... haiz...
posted by: hilmi21 @ 10:28 pm
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2dae was just another plain boring school day... so its no use for me to say anything about my day...
i tink she knows of it... i so dunno what to do now... i guess i'll just keep quiet like i always do... she now rarely talk to me... never dared to be around me... nvr replied my msges... i noe that she ain't ready for it due to some other commitments and now i regret not to listen what she says... how stupid of me.. HOW SO FUCKING STUPID OF ME!!
i am so angry at myself... feel like hitting my head on every walls on my house... i wouldn't think twice of risking friendship over a relationship... and i tink you got the hints frm my previous entries...
so if you do know abt me liking you, pls i am sorry if i nvr did listen to u... i nvr did like the silence you're giving me just now... pls i apologise if i got too strong to you or anyting dats just plain idiotic and stupid... i beg you pls stop the silence...
posted by: hilmi21 @ 8:57 pm
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i don't feel too good... from my brain to my heart to my body... everything's messed up...
i sometimes feel i'm useless... i'll admit now i have low self-esteem...
i'll ridicule myself up to a point that i don't recognise myself anymore...
i have done sacrifices... big sacrifices...
yet sumtimes i do feel under appreciated even when people praised or thanked me... this is all probably bcos i've been a failure since primary school... i failed my family and my friends in almost everything i've done.. My mom kept reminding me of how i failed her academically and as a person each time i mess things up...
the person i like now isn't responding to me...
why am i that gullible and stupid enough to follow my feelings rather than my head?
i just need to a hint, a simple big hint to cancel that question away...
so please do tell me... someone... anyone...
Again, i have my close friends, Doubt and Fear by my side...
one by one, my friends abandon me...
day by day, i find myself getting further away from the very thing i like most...
and each second, i kept reminding myself of who i am in this world...
no matter how happy i look, i am just not happy with myself...
but not anymore... i planned to change... and i need that someone to help release me from my pathetic low self-esteem and give me the self confidence i duly needed...
posted by: hilmi21 @ 10:57 pm
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"The China Man Drunk By Fruit Juice Sleeping On Stairs" yesterday was kind of fun and hectic... had a jam at stone jamz... supposed to be jamming at 4 but was pushed to 415 bcos the band which is using the room came late... haiz... pathetic sia these kind of bands... the jam studio had to push back some time for them la... no basic band etiquette & courtesy...
after jam, supposed to be meeting Sabby for the tix, but bcos she was late, I can't give Gypsy the tix they wanted... but i eventually meet her at Cineleisure at 6+... walked around and watch Deputy Siren perform at Scape while waiting Blind Meets Mute rep for the tix...
after which, we went off, me meeting my band and family band, BlindFold Hero at Waterloo complex and Sabby to her nite activity... I was super noisy la when i arrived... hahaha... Dunno why I like that... Maybe so happy bcos of that someone? Onli Allah knows... stayed there until around 11, close to midnight...
planned to overnight at John's house, but instead of having fun, the guys sleep instead leaving me, Keith and Jerome... Actually Jerome, slept soundly for a while outside of John's house...
Like the picture above... hahaha... got home at around 7am... bath and sleep after that... woke up at noon, which is just an hour ago... hahaha...
Supposedly be meeting Gypsy somewhere, and will be buying a pair of shoes today... have yet to study for my tests this week...
Pay Attention Stay Awake is just 6 Days away... Still have yet to sell $5 tix to ITE students... C'mon ITE students where's the support?!
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Haiz... I am grateful that I have yet to be like Sabby and AK, having meetings day in day out... datelines to be handed in... internal events, external events... personal stuffs to deal with... I have yet to discover how they handle it...
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today, I woke up and wonder... why her? It took quite a long time to get some answers... but the answers quickly became even more questions... I'm having doubts about my feelings towards her...
which is why I keep you in contactwhich is why I tried my best to impress you
which is why I stopped doing awful and sinful things.
time isn't on my side neither issit on yours... i understand of your problems of no personal life and such...
the 5 things I like about you:
1) cute
2) always cheerful
3) fun
4) your eyes
5) your smile
posted by: hilmi21 @ 12:40 pm
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today almost woke up late yet again... but managed to catch the bus in time... had Asri to join me in the bus but due to alot of people in the bus, so had no chance to talk/joke with him... went straight to E.Maths class and JCS... studied for awhile... and went to Causeway Point for Seoul Garden... Had a good time with the old EC1A gang... stayed there for an almost 5 hours... even when the servers had a changed of shifts, we still continue to eat there and joked around... hehehe... so i ended up being bloated at the end of the day...
2morrow will be meeting Blind Meets Mute and Gypsy at around town for the passing of Pay Attention Stay Awake Gig Tix... Meeting with Sabby b4 that.. :P
Pay Attention Stay Awake Gig Countdown: 8 Days Left!!!
Note to self:-
Monday, 21 July 08, Calculus Test, 8am
Wednesday, 23 July 08, Wireless Test, 10am
Thursday, 24 July 08, E.Maths(A book) Test, 1pm
Saturday, 26 July 08, Pay Attention Stay Awake Gig, 5pm
posted by: hilmi21 @ 10:03 pm
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i had quite a bad day today... 1st, the ppl in the pasa briefing was kind of rude as the ReVampage team is trying to talk and they were like talking even louder... i hope i didn't throw off the atmosphere in the live band room when i shouted... i apologise if it did...
after which i had maths lesson, slept through it all and played Tekken at the end of it.. hahaha...
went to the SC room to relax for a while... after which, i went to Waterloo to have a jam...
To that special someone, i hope i don't disturb you or did something wrong in the morning as from wat you replied me, kind of start my day a lil bad. But after seeing ur face, it just melted the whole bad day feeling until the aboved mention thing happened...
posted by: hilmi21 @ 10:54 pm
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As the days & weeks are getting nearer to the gig, the sleepless we all get. As the bad news and unfortunate events start to pile up so do the solutions. As stated in Sabby's blog, we all didn't know that the event will be this big.. we just gave the idea and kind of "impressed" the whole Blaze II people with our big budget event... We gain some we lose some that's a saying we can use on the organising committe for the gig... We lose some good people, but we gained a few great people... people with connections... so big, that i suddenly have the urge to have an interest in event management... so strong is the bond between us that we could talk things that is out of our minds... we are no more 2 ccas collaborating... we are more like an event management team... and soon i wish i can tell, we could be more than just friends...
now back to my unplanned boring schedule that i called my life... today i played basketball for p.e since i dunno when... i do suck at it manage to score only once... hahaha... after which i have wireless prac lesson and project... fazli didn't come today which left me doing project alone... sigh... WHY FAZ WHY?!!! after which have a short internal ReVampage meeting... got some bad news from Edwin regarding the equipments... luckily, we got it covered as quickly... thank you Airphonics for understanding the situation and decide to help us...
After cutting tix... me, Sabby and Edwin went to jurong entertainment and had our pizza hut dinner courtesy of Edwin... Sabby eat super slow seh... after which we went home... reached home at arnd 10 yet again...
somehow, i starting to like drinking Nescafe Ice Coffee Latte... and the best thing is it makes me even sleepy than awake...
i dunno if it is time to tell you... even if it is, i dunno wat to say... directly and straight from the heart, that's wat people's advised me... somehow or rather, you acted differently in front of him and me... you liked being teased by him... while in front of me, u seemed bored and uninterested... i have to admit that i m the quiet type... occasionally talk kind... but i had done wat i can while letting nature take its cause... and soon this feelings will either fade or got out... i dun wan it to fade... i have nvr do so much to change a part of my life for a person...
posted by: hilmi21 @ 10:28 pm
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my legs are tired,my back is aching since BB, my butt doesn't feel a thing from riding on a Gilera from dover to all around town.. and today is just monday... a series of meetings will be done this week and the next... can't wait to get this gig to be done... kind of bittersweet feeling actually...
Just found out the 'tone' name on the knob of my electric guitar gone... gonna need to replace it someday...
tomorrow having a band session at RP... at the same time doing some admin P.A.S.A there... whoo(punches the keyboard!)... killing two birds with one stone... hahaha...
Grace Conspiracy Project is now called Sketch the Faith... Sketch as in doing a makeover of the band while Faith is believing in the band.. at first I had a different perspective of the name, being scared it is somehow unreligious...
posted by: hilmi21 @ 10:21 pm
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i dunno watsup with me for the last few days... so... i dunno... giving lethargic as a reason is so an understatement as AK and Sabby had the worst of all "lethargic-ness" as they have an endless supply of things to do even before their attachment... i wonder how sc will be like once they've gone to attachment... oh well...
had a meeting with Mr Tan, Mr Tim, Mr Yam, Mr Yang regarding Pay Attention Stay Awake...
Mr Tan wanted the meeting probably bcos he wanted to know about the gig even further and into details like the Ticketing Forms and how it will be done, the Security as always and the charity agenda...
had the whole day to myself... but i somehow wish i hadn't done that... i got easily bored la until Sabby msged the revampage team i presumed to see her vid editting for Pay Attention Stay Awake... the first vid, was not up to my liking... but the 2nd one was good... i was utterly impressed by it... great job Sabby!!
done the PASA ticket form already... i think it's too basic... i feel like i didn't contribute much for the project like what AK and Sabby had done... especially on the gig itself... haiz... somehow, i just feel i like i have been disappointing and irritating for both of you...
tomorrow will be having an audition and a jam session... my back is hurting... had an internal ReVampage meeting later on monday...
Grace Conspiracy Project is under reconstruction... we'll soon be a post-hardcore band and there'll be a name change as well... hopefully we'll cover songs from Atreyu...
IT HURTS... WHEN YOU'VE GOT NO ONE TO TALK TO... IT HURTS EVEN MORE WHEN YOU JUST DISAPPOINT AND IRRITATES PEOPLE... OH GREAT... I'M BACK INTO EMO-ING AGAIN... BUT IT'S OKAY, NOBODY READS THIS BLOG ANYWAY...
posted by: hilmi21 @ 9:29 pm
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dear friend,
I do not know how to say this to you.
My feelings for you have been decided.
My friends had asked me to tell you my feelings towards you but i just do not know what to say what to do once you've heard about my feelings.
I fear the rejection.
I fear that I might risk our close friendship for a relationship.
I fear that what you're doing to me are just being friendly or you are treating me as a big bro.
This doubts had been playing in my head and I even feared for the worst when you've gone far away for sometime.
I almost ask you to be mine the other day but I stopped short when you told me your life story.
I feel so pathetic right now.
posted by: hilmi21 @ 12:20 am
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i hope today i didn't make some people feel awkward around me.. we're having an open and truthful convo so i became open and truthful too... almost panicked when AK asked me a certain question maybe about the last entry on who it was...maybe you know maybe you don't... the convo today was really something... shocking revelations from each and every person on the table... just a few question... why am I in the H category? do i really look like the hard to get kind?
after the convo, I head down to RP for a session with GCP... just got home actually...
HOPE THE WHOLE REVAMPAGE TEAM CAN GET A GD NIGHT SLEEP!
& SABBY, A LOVE ENTRY? MISSING SOMEONE EH...
posted by: hilmi21 @ 11:09 pm
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today is the 1st day of the new term...
got a shock when arrives in school as the first lesson suddenly became calculus! the whole class wasn't even notified abt any change... the whole day is quite how-typical-malay-mats-and-minahs say: "LEPAK"... teached teck min on wireless set up, do wireless and maths tutorials.. and that's what i basically do for all the lessons today...
had a meeting during lunch with
AK,
Edwin and
Sabby... a very, very short meeting... nice ah
AK.. hahaha...
gave
Sabby her birthday gift... happy 19th birthday yeah... hehehe... hope you like my gift...
got my shirt dirty with chocolate... hahaha...
went out with
azrun after school to causeway point, me settling my parents hp bills while
azrun settling his bro's hp problem..
azrun and me slept for sometime in the bus... hahaha... after a long time, we finally had done our business... met
feros and friend near the carpark... had mcd's for dinner... went straight home after that by train...
azrun was snoring in the train ride... hahaha....
To 7227462,
I TRIED TO SAY SOMETHING FOR THE PAST A THOUSAND TIMES
THE MOMENT JUST DIDN'T CAME THROUGH
SO I WROTE THIS NOTE JUST TO SAY I LOVE YOU!
posted by: hilmi21 @ 10:22 pm
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today is a good day i guess... early in the morning, go skool and saw
AK alone in the dark SC room... talked about our past and what we've done before... den
Sabby showed up around 930... the atmosphere immediately went quite hyper as we started to crap around including getting my name into
Helmina... after which we had a mad scramble to prepare for auditions...at 1130-12 went auditioned with my band "
Grace Conspiracy Project" for
ITE Pay Attention Stay Awake Gig... quite nervous and kind of embarassing performing in front of
AK,
Sabby,
Edwin and the rest who helps out...
after which had a performance at Ngee Ann Polytechnic... kind of gotten down seeing the set.. a place just outside of the Bus Stop which my mum called "Student ________" can't remember the name... hehehe... we performed like we've never performed before... headbanging, cursing each other, taking our own sweet time talking and joking and so on... after our set finish around 345, we plugged out and "lepak" for a while at the place...and got my name into
Helmina again, dis time with my band and after some taunts about me and a certain someone.. had compliments from the band after us and the soundman... i got the guitarist from the next band saying we have good stage presence or great showmanship... i got speechless and just thanked him... said goodbye to the band after drinking my Pocari Sweat... and head down to Dover again...
Arrived at ite dover hall, saw a band playing Holy Diver... cool... put my SG down and sat down beside
Sabby, who was manning the cameras for the day... judged a couple of bands and went out of school like around 6pm with
Sabby... We went our separate ways at Dover MRT...
Tomorrow will be a short day i hope... will be going off by 2pm...
**Am going JB over the weekend!!! Finally visiting my 2nd house since i dunno when...
***tomorrow i hope i have the courage to tell you my feelings before you go far away...
posted by: hilmi21 @ 8:37 pm
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